You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
