I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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