and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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