If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
