i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
