he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Sober January is a disaster.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
