Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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