K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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