If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
