I smell stomach acid.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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