Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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