Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Let's paint friendship bongs
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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