Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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