Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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