He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
