Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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