When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
