did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i will never coherently bang her
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
