Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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