life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
