Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
