Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
