If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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