I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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