She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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