i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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