Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
