So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
