I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
