I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
