I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
