if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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