i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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