Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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