I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
