Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
