Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
