My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
