I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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