Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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