I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
