WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she looked like the before picture.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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