I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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