I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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