morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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