need another drink. this is the easiest way
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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