i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
