Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
