I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
