I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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